I've been thoroughly preoccupied with pregnancy and preparing for our little baby lately, and have gotten out of the habit of writing. So, when a friend of mine suggested a moleskine exchange between several writers, I decided to participate. I'm going to try to share some of my writing on this blog. They are excerpts from prompt responses.
"Two pieces struggle for dominance in our minds. The piece that understands our uniqueness and its value, and the piece that recognizes our faults and weaknesses and desires to stamp them out. In reality, these two pieces are more closely related than we like to believe. For often that which makes us unique--is the very part of ourselves we despise. We come to love and hate these inborn qualities. These qualities which are so interwoven into the fabric of our being, that they could not possibly be separated from us--at least not without destroying who we are. So we continue the struggle, forever tormented from within, envious of the opposite qualities we see in those around us.
We may even fantasize, on occasion, about how different life would be, were we more like others. At such a time, I do not dream of being a famous politician, scientist, or nobel laureate. No indeed. I dream of becoming someone ordinary, and quite different from myself in certain respects.
For as long as I can remember, I have been overly aware of the feelings and opinions of others--and my affect on them. I'm the person who strives to include others in conversation, make sure everyone's comfortable, hide my opinions so as not to offend, etc. All of which can be fine things. But alas, they are often in competition with my own desires, comforts, and inclinations. And it is tiring work. To always be aware of the ramifications of actions and attitudes, correspondingly makes me, at least partially, responsible for the outcomes. And I find it difficult to set aside the encroaching doom upon another's sentiments--even those I would prefer to see hurt. I'm compelled to follow a moral line--one that I suppose I've drawn, based on my own experiences and the lessons learned by those around me.
One may wonder why I simply continue in my present course when I'm aware of it and my feelings towards it. But that is the crux of the situation. Because I am aware of it, I seem to be unable to alter my course. My nature will not allow it. Of course, I have tried to ignore and even defy my frustrating qualities--but the few times I was able to avoid myself, it was not for long. Guilt and chaos were quick to follow--and painfully slow to alleviate..."
